I really enjoy this recent feeling of non hurriedness. The feeling of not wishing that I was doing more. This used to always plague my mind. I was in a constant state of hurry. I could never do enough. I never did enough. I always wished I could do more. I wondered if I even could do more. If I was capable enough to do more. If I was good enough to do more.
I was in such a rush. There was never enough time. I was getting old so fast. My life would be over by age 30. By then, everything had to be set. By then, I was going to be married, and I was going to soon be having kids. And with those two things happening, I would have no time for anything else. Of course I would still have my own business. Live my own life on my own terms, etc. But Everything had to be set then. And time was a wasting.
It is so funny to think of now. My work ethic is basically the same. I can’t say that these feelings were happening even more than a year ago. Possibly even as recent as six months ago. Its funny now that I can’t even remember how long ago it was that I felt like that. Life goes so slowly now. So slowly fast. More accurately, time does not matter. I no longer worry for the days end. I no longer worry about having to sleep. I don’t fixate on time. Worrying about how much more I should be doing today before the day ends.
Time now flows continuously. Where a day ends, it picks up right then. There really is no end. There is simply a time when I put my head to my pillow and drift to sleep. There is simply a time and place for what I do. When I wake, I read, I eat, I move, I work, eat, read, sleep.. I cycle, I routine. And some days, I break that routine. I dance, I camp, I read longer, I sleep less, I travel, I walk all day, stay up all night, learn this, think that, then return to work. And each transition flows smoothly into the other. I am no longer in control. I no longer need to be. I no longer think so much about what I should do. I now do what I know I need to do. It is what I want to do. It is my feeling that I follow without thought. Without hesitation. Without worry. It feels so natural. It feels powerful. So smooth. So like nothing. Like everything.
I am Ausar. Amen. Unmanifested will. Pure energy. I do not ask, “where will my will take me next?” There is no reason to ask. I do not ask, “why me?” For it is because I am. For my ego it is exciting. And this is good. My ego is good. I feel it, and am unattached from it. The feeling goes through me. I return again to Amen. As Ausar.