When I fear the future. And I fear for doing something in the future. It lays in the simple fact that I feel like I will have to do something that I don’t want to. I feel that I will not have control over my self. But maybe that is only the half of it. I must also be afraid because I know that I will have to stretch my boundaries. I know that I will have to grow. That I will have to feel uncomfortable. I will feel insecure. I will step into the unknown. I will do something in which I do not know the result. So yes, that is beautiful. Beautiful that I will expand into everything. In every which way. I am living in insecurity. The fear lets me know that I am moving in the right direction. When I feel that I want to do something, and there is fear, then I know that it is the right place to be. It is the right way to move. What is comforting is that I also know that I do not have to do anything. I can do things as I am ready. I can move into them. I don’t have to do anything because there is no one there to tell me to do it. There is only me. And my desire and my wish. I am afraid to fail. I am afraid that I am not enough. That I can’t do it and that that will be a failure. But that is not true. I would not turn my back on myself. I would not leave my self. There is no way to do that. I can only grow. And grow I will.
It was nice feeling removed from things. Not in the world. But a part of it. Flowing with it. Not feeling bad about being on my own. Not having to be considerate of others. In the way that I get to do what I feel like. And in that quality of being, all other things and events fall into place around me and with me. My thinking is clear. My answers real. Short. To the point. Loving. Just truth. Others reflect this attitude. We move as one. We communicate with less words. With more play. With less hurt. With more peace. All things are a message. Music. Music is life. Sound is what makes life. Everything is moving, vibrating, creating sound waves. Music gives emotions. Emotions that cannot be put into words except with metaphor. Music is the direct link to our feelings. It is a direct link to meditation.
I fall more and more in love with water. Drinking it. Being in it. Feeling it. I love the cold water. The uncomfortableness of it. The peace that comes with it. Peace does not come from warm water. It is an overflow for my hot body. Getting used to the cold water is what feels best. Or at least being in it, and not being afraid of it. Funny, one of my most uncomfortable thoughts was having to get into cold water. As I have learned who I am, a creature of the water. Cancer, son of Poseidon, I have come to love the water more. I have always felt the connection. Now I feel the love. The coolness of it. The depth of it. The float of my body in it. It’s taste. It is me. I saw a harbor seal while swimming today. Almost more times or half times than not, they have joined me in the water. Or rather I have joined them, and they have revealed themselves. What a treat it is to see them. Like curious children. Or guardians. Coyote on the perimeter. It is so murky in those waters. How can they see?