A couple of notes from today that I messaged my self while driving (voice dictation):
“What you wear is important. Not because of being cool. Not even necessarily because of self-expression. But because what you wear is a symbol and representation of your truest self. What you wear and the symbols that you wear tell others what you represent and allows them to have certain attitudes towards you. It allows certain people with certain backgrounds to connect with you. It allows those who are most likely who are most like you to help you. To identify with you. So when you wear the things that you feel you truly identify with the most. That is what you must do. It will allow you to go places in life. It will allow others to help you. They will serve as reminders of who you are. They will allow you to live your truest self. Just as words represent Feelings and meanings but cannot represent the true self. Your symbols and symbolism do the same.”
This is a nice thought. Because it allows me to be creative and to identify. It allows me to feel cool. It allows me to physically express. Having this idea that I can wear and embody things that I identify with feels really good. I feel very happy that I can get tattoos and wear necklaces, and wear symbols that are very meaningful to me. They serve as reminders of who I am. They are triggers. They give me the feelings that are real inside of me. They give me confidence. Do I need them though? Are they a crutch? No. Because I usually don’t remember that they are there. I embody my self regardless of them. They are useful though for being in society.
“Again. Just when I was OK with giving up. Just when I was OK not with being defeated. But with the fact that I could try again that it was OK that I could do it not this time. But next time. In the waterfall I tried and tried. Before I entered I was excited. I was ready. I had the utmost confidence that I would be able to make it up. But as I answered it was so hard. I tried to push up against the water with little success. It seemed that I wasn’t going to be able to do it. I wasn’t frustrated though. I know that time continues forever. So I knew that I would be able to come back again. Yet I still wanted to try again. I needed to. And somehow for some reason after I was OK with leaving. I was humble enough to leave. To die. To be OK with defeat. I made it. I pushed up and was able to press my feet against the wall in front of me. A rush of happiness of success came over me. Yet I still had to fight. It was not over. I exclaimed and clamber and scraped my way up through the rest of the waterfall. Really feeling what it was like to be reborn. I had never really felt before. I thought I did. I thought I knew what it was like to struggle like that up the waterfall. But now I have done. Now I know. I went through the ultimate struggle of the waterfall. And I am grateful for it. I am happy that I struggled. I am happy that I was ready to be defeated. That I was ready to let go and happiness. To allow time to continue. And continue to be happy regardless. To continue to be happy with myself. And what a beautiful realization that is. And somehow in this recognition I made it up. I climbed the waterfall. I am reborn.”
I love the physical. My physical body. It feels so good to reclaim it. To feel powerful in it. I was doing a lot of shadow boxing, kicks, and punches, while warming up today. No one else was doing this. But I love it so much. I realize now that it is the beginning of the few times where I am becoming comfortable doing movement in front of others who are good movers. I now feel meditative in doing my own movement practice without having to look to others so much for example. I love the fighting. The rough housing. I want to have the capacity to fight. To kill. I need to be the strongest. I need to be able to fight and to kill anyone. This is a power and capacity that I possess and will continue to bring out. I don’t know if I want to be violent or not. I don’t want to hurt others. I do not look to harm anyone. Not person nor animal nor plant. But I need to have the ultimate capacity to do so. It is the only way that I will be able to avoid harm. I realize now that the only way to prevent fighting, is to be the best fighter. I will be that.
I will sleep well tonight. Awaken and feel peace at my heart’s center before opening my eyes. I want to work, and to explore my neighborhood. I miss it. I feel it has been a long time since I walked down pike or broadway. I feel like a coffee.
Tomorrow morning I will begin my GMB Elements training program. I will awaken tomorrow morning and do it first thing. I am not sure what the optimal time is. But the morning seems like the best. I will practice in the courtyard. The perfect spot. Spacious. And with a layer of sand that is nice for barefeet. I am very excited.